"How I Almost Ate A Screw" and Other Life Stories

Today with the exception of bathroom breaks and the occasional trip to the kitchen to forage in the wasteland that is our refrigerator I literally spent the entire day in my room. In the morning I chatted with my mother, and then I finally watched Consipracy Theory (which was pretty good and surprisingly humorous at times). After three hours of lying around, I decided to complete operation clean room -slash- donate some clothing I never wear to a good cause. To round off the evening I made miso soup (which was [shockingly] edible) and almost swallowed a screw that fell off of our tea pot and into my bowl of couscous during the cooking process. Luckily I was actually chewing my food, so I checked to see what that crunchy thing was before ingesting it (and I thought I was having stomach problems before the screw - I can only imagine the excruciating pain I'd be in had I assumed it was an egg shell and forced it down).

I know it sounds like I am a lazy bum who never leaves the house, and that's because I am a lazy bum who never leaves the house. I do, however, leave the apartment on very rare occasions. Take yesterday, for example - I went out to buy miso soup supplies and to do a little shopping. See, for weeks I've been putting together the perfect outfit for bar hopping. Now that my boots have arrived (and yes, they are every bit as amazing as I dreamed they would be) I decided it was time to complete this outfit once and for all, and yesterday I finally did just that. As a result I'm going to totally rock the bar scene one of these days.

Perhaps you are wondering why I find it necessary to put together an entire outfit just to go have a drink at a bar, so let me explain: going to bars to chat with your friends is fun and all, but part of the reason you go to a bar is to meet new people. Despite going to bars on a semi-regular basis, I have never in my life been approached by anyone at a bar (not even the bar tender - I never seem to be able to flag them down)... how sad is that? Despite our amazing personalities and friendly demeanor nobody wants to chat with me or my friends. After days of obsessing over what could possibly be keeping me out of the inner circle of the bar world, I determined that it must be the way I dressed. I think if I was dressed a little better (read skankier) then people might notice and come talk to me (read try to get into my overly tight pants). Hence the reason I have been crafting this bar hopping (read man snaring) outfit.

Did I mention that when I was walking down the street yesterday a guy in the back of a truck unloaded a police barrier out of the truck and into my shoulder? That thing was heavy and it hurt like hell! When his coworkers asked what he was doing, he said, "I just didn't see her there." So it now seems that I not only need an anti-invisiblity outfit for the bars, but also just for life in general. Who knew that embracing my inner-hussy would be so important some day?

On the other hand, being seemingly invisible does have its advantages on occasion. Today while twiddling my thumbs in my apartment, I successfully avoided running into my roommate for nearly the entire day. He's a nice guy and all but interacting with him is more exhausting than enjoyable. He's an incredibly intelligent guy; he reads worthwhile literature and Harper's, remembers every minute detail of every discussion and is going to go to grad school for political science. I (on the other hand) read novels written from the perspective of horny 14 year-old boys (Youth In Revolt), can't remember what popped out of my mouth 3 minutes ago, may never go to grad school and generally live a life void of politics and global affairs (la la la, it's all butterflies and rainbows here). It's really hard to have a conversation with someone when the only thing you have in common is the bathroom your both brush your teeth in.