The Nasal Aspirator

I don't know what cruel and unusual torture devices your parents used on you when you were a child, but if your life as a fledgling human being resembled mine at all you'd know what I speak of when I utter the words "nasal aspirator."

When I was younger, those two words instilled the same fear in me as hearing my parents shrilly shout after me using my first, middle AND last names. Except for unlike when my middle name was invoked, when I heard the words "nasal aspirator" I was usually not in trouble (let's just say if I'd ever heard a sentence that was something like "Meghan Alexandra blah blah nasal aspirator blah blah BLAH!!!!" I don't think I'd be writing this right now). Though the N.A. word combo did not mean I was in trouble with my parents, it was a phrase that would make me wish I was about to receive the highest punishment instead of enduring the torture of the nasal aspirator.

For those of you who don't know what this device is, let me explain... it's like a very short turkey baster, and the end happens to fit just inside your nose. You squeeze the pump at the end, stick the other end in your nose, and let go of the pump. This causes an interesting thing to occur... to be quite frank, it sucks all the snot out of your sinuses.

This is a dream for parents all over, as it prevents the continuous sniffles of your child who is suffering from a cold. As a child, however, it is just about the scariest thing that can ever happen to you (apart from real life tragedies, of course). I remember thinking that the aspirator was sucking out not only my mucus, but also all my brains as well... and let me tell you, at the ripe age of three you don't have many brains to spare, making this a particularly scary prospect. Not to mention the noise that it makes... well, let's just say it's highly unpleasant.

Lately, however, I've been wishing the nasal aspirator would make a reappearance. I've been suffering from a cold lately, and I've been literally blowing my brains out (seriously, I can't add anymore... I've got to be losing something). Just now when I nearly passed out in the bathroom on my 17th blow, I caught myself wishing for the days of nasal aspiration. Sure, it was scary as all get out, and the thought of it made me quiver in my boots, but at least I did not hyperventilate in an attempt to blow fluid out of my nose... and I must admit, I do remember feeling a whole lot better afterwards (but shh... don't tell the future generations of this secret... I wouldn't want them to look forward to potential aspirations).